Original picture not made by me, I only found it on Google pictures. :P
"
Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Revelation 3:20"
I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Genesis 3:10PREFACEI'd never given much thought to how I would die—maybe it's because I'm an emotionally depraved freak and I don't really care. Or maybe it's because I can't think for myself and all my decisions are based on the opinions of my imaginary boyfriend who occasionally drops by every night while I sleep. Don't worry, though. He's hot.
I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and since he's a figure in a portrait, he continued to creepily stare back at me. Gosh, not breathing really doesn't help your brain cells.
Surely, it was a good way to die, laying on the bed, staring wide eyed and motionless at an eerie picture that I hated. Ludicrous, even. That ought to show my mother who's the smartest person in this house!
I knew that if I'd never used a fork before, I wouldn't have choked so many times. But, great as I was, I couldn't bring myself to stop doing that. Gee, near death experiences are fun to no end!
Holy crap, the portrait just smiled. I think this thing wants to kill me.
1. FIRST FLIGHTMy mother drove me to the airport—well, at least she tried. The car stopped working and I chagrined as we rode our way to the airport on a donkey's back. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless gray. Wait, that can't be right. Still, though, I'd make a great weather reporter, don't you think? I could get a job on Channel 2 just by wearing this sleeveless, white eyelet lace shirt, it attracts all the old men who work there. Trust me, I tested that several times, and since then. Well, lets just say "Farewell, childhood."
I brought a parka with me, just in case we stop in the North Pole on our way to Spoons.
In the Olympic Penigasula of northwest Washington State, a small town named Spoons exists under a near-constant shower of vampire-men. It was from this town and its sparkling, pale-shade that my idiotic mother escaped with me when I was a few months old and already 400 pounds. It was the kind of town all the Mary-sues reside in, being one myself, I'd probably end up spending the rest of my life with that old Indian man who asked for my hand when I was only fourteen. God knows how mentally scarred I would be if my father had accepted his 40 cows in return the first time, but I think I'm starting to like him. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I have a dad, his name is Chartslie, it's short for Chartslie, but you can call him Chartslie.
For more information, please refer to my Facebook page (HottyfattyBillax).
*******************************************It was to Spoons that I now exiled myself—in a romantic "action" novel written by a middle aged woman that brings me great horror. I detest forks, I prefer the old caveman way of eating with your bare hands.
I loved Phoenix. I loved Order of the Phoenix and Goblet of Fire, I'll love anything other than this sprawling piece of junk they call a book.
"Godbilla," spat my mom with her eyes crossed and tongue sticking out of her mouth—oh God, she's having another one of her infamous "moments", just before I got on the stinking plane, perfect. "You don't have to do this."
My mom looks like me when she has her "moments", except she's less hairy and insane. I felt a spasm of joy as I stared at her wide, alienating eyes. How could I refuse the opportunity of being free? The mere idea of leaving my cannibalistic mother behind to fend on other poor souls for herself is chagrining. Of course, she had her pills now, so the bills are going to shoot up to the sky and she'll get thrown in jail once and for all. No more cat food in the refrigerator and burning houses with gas to steal people's cars. Now I can finally ignore her calls, but still..
"Mom, I don't wanna go. I'll miss you." I lied. I'd always been a bad liar. Actually, no, I lied. I am a good liar, or am I?
"You have to go, honey. Tell Chartslie to jump off a cliff for me."
"I will even if you hadn't told me."
"I'll see you soon," she said.
"Hopefully not." I mumbled under my breath. If only I was able to trick her into sacrificing herself to the ancient Gods a year ago...
"Don't worry about me, mom" I lied again. I love lying, lying is good for your heart. "It'll be great. Surely, it's not like I'll fall in love with a vampire, give birth to his mutated child, die in the process and be reborn as a vampire!" Pssh, that was really far-fetched. In what universe would something like that happen anyway?
She hugged me tightly for a minute, then I ran away as fast as I can and got on the plane. She was gone. "Yes! Freedom!" I yelled while everyone stared at me. Jeez, why so tense?
It's a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, if I spend another hour next to this annoying old hag, I'm gonna kill myself. Flying doesn't bother me, what really does is that weird man with the turban on his head and the dynamite strapped to his chest. Why does everyone get tense whenever they pass the poor guy? What did he do to deserve this but have his heart replaced with dynamite?
to be continued
or not to be...
