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 The Legendary Dragon

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Hyperhawk
Digintary
Digintary
Hyperhawk


Posts : 2911
Registration date : 2008-04-11

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PostSubject: The Legendary Dragon   The Legendary Dragon EmptyMay 8th 2008, 12:55 pm

Ok,im starting a story named "The Legendary Dragon" so lets begin!

Chapter1:
Once apon a time,there was a princess named Trisha.She lived in a castle and is very rich.One day,there was an intruder in the castle,"Kill the intruder!" said the king.His soldiers were fighting the intruder,but the soldiers were no match.The intruder killed all the kings soldiers and was going to capture the princess."I am here to capture the princess!" said the intruder."No you cant!" said the king.The king threw alot of his weapons to the intruder,but not effective to the intruder."You are no match for me!" said the intruder.The intruder threw the king to the potions they created,one of the potions accidentaly fell on the intruder.
Chapter 2:
The intruder had grown wings and got very weird looks,after he became the full thing of what he going to be is ......... a dragon!!!!!!!!The intruder said "Noooooooooo!What happened to me?!Im a full sized dragon!!!!".The intruder flew away and retreated,the intruder felt very sad of his looks " 😢 " he said in emotion."Now what?!Im going to look like this forever!I need to find a way to get back to myself!" said the intruder.Luckily,he had his laptop guide,he typed a question "How do I return to my normal self?!Im a dragon!".The computer said "You must drink the potion that fell on you".The intruder said "Aha!Im going to steal their dragon potion!But how?!."Hmmmmmmmm I know!Im going to sneak up on them!" the intruder said.The intruder flew to the castle and slowly checked the potions."??????What does this words mean?It says >^".
Chapter 3:
The dragon reached for a pink potion and tried it."Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!It does nothing!" said the dragon.He reached and reached onto many potions until........NOTHING HAPPENED!!!" 😢 What am I going to do?!" said the dragon, he hide himself at the back of the cabinet and saw a gold potion."AHA!This potion might work!" said the dragon so he drank it but the gold potion was almost sooooooooooo empty!So nothing happened to the dragon so he said " 😢 😢 😢 😢 😢 " in emotion."May be I could ask the princess" said the dragon,the king woke up so the dragon flew to the princesse's room quickly."H-h-hello?!anyone here?" said the dragon,the princess was asleep and had a gold potion beside her."AHA! a potion!" said the dragon,he stepped in and the princess was waking up!"Noooooooo!I better get outa here!" said the dragon,so he flew away."Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The princess shouldnt be waking up!" said the dragon,he cried and cried until his body was filled of tears.
Chapter 4:
"Whats happening to me?!Im turning into something!" said the intruder,after that his arms and legs became human exept his arm and body!"Ahhhhhh now im half human half dragon" the dragon said,and he checked his back but his wings were gone!!!!!!!!!" 😢 " he said in emotion "What am I going to do?!" said the dragon,he called a boat and the boat came quickly "Phew that was close" said the intruder.He rode the boat to the castle and snkead up,a potion fell on his body"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!Whats happening?!" said the dragon.The dragon was becoming a whole human!But it failed,the head was a failure but his body is a human already." 😢 I really cant become a human!" said the dragon,so he just climbed up the castle and went to the princess's room.Up there the room was empty cause the princess was having dinner with her parents,so the dragon stole the potion and drank it."Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!Im a human again!" said the dragon,"Now to capture the princess!"he said.He went down staris and sneeked up what theyre doing.
Chapter 5:
"Ohhhhhh theyre having a beautiful dinner!I dont want to disturb the princess" he said.So he just escaped from the castle but he was caught by the king.The king pushed him in the water,he couldnt swim,he drowned and couldnt breathe,but he was saved by someone.His name was Rj, he took him to their castle."Wake up" said Rj,"Who are you?!" he said."Im Rj the one who saved you" said Rj,"Thanks Rj" he said."Whats your name?" said Rj,"My name is Dan" said Dan,"Wow, you have a good name! :D " said Rj,"Thanks" said Dan."Ummmm are you looking for something,Dan?" said Rj,"Im looking for a princess named Trisha,have you found her?" Dan said,"You mean this?!(Rj shows picture of the princess)" said Rj,"Yes thats the princess I was looking for! :D " said Dan."What do you want to do with her?!" said Rj,"I wanna merry her" said Dan."I can help you with that" said Rj,"Really?!?!" said Dan,"Come here,ride this jetplane" said Rj,"Oh yeah!Lets go!" said Dan.
Chapter 6:
"WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Dan,"Beacareful" said Rj,Rj and Dan went to Trisha's castle."Hello?!" said Rj,Trisha looked down and she saw them both and got in-loved with Dan cause Dan is very handsome."Hello there!Whats your name?" said Trisha to Dan,"My name is Dan I want to merry you" said Dan shyly,"Ok" said the princess."You will?!" said Dan,"Yep!" said Trisha ,so Rj took them to a wedding place.So Trisha and Dan merried each other,but Trishas parents came and didnt allow her to merry Dan, so they took Trisha away."NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" said Dan,"It cant be!I wanna mery her!!! 😢 " said Dan again,Dan found the 2 gold potions in his pocket and drank one,"YAAAAA!!!!Im going to merry you Trisha!Dragon Form!Yaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" so he turned into dargon.Dan flew to his parents spaceship to capture Trisha he went inside and scared everybody off the ship,and took Trisha,"AHHHHHH!!!!A Dragon!Help me!" said Trisha Dan said "Trisha,its me Dan!" Trisha said "No!Your not Dan and dragons cant talk!" Dan said "Thats why im talking!Its me Dan!" and Dan took trisha to the wedding place,Dan drank the golden potion and became a human again and Trisha saw the whole thing."You really are Dan :0o " said Trisha,now im gonna merry you!Trisha agreed so they merried each other.After merrying they started theyre own life and lived happily ever after,THE END.

So did you like my story?!Rate it 1-10.


Last edited by Hyperhawk on May 9th 2008, 10:51 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Egaro
Hero of Time
Hero of Time
Egaro


Posts : 13850
Registration date : 2008-01-26

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PostSubject: Re: The Legendary Dragon   The Legendary Dragon EmptyMay 8th 2008, 5:25 pm

You need quite a sum of a bit more work there. ;) Don't keep repeating "the intruder"; that makes the story a whole lot more bland. Try "he", etc.

Also, remember that, when using dialog, you must start a new paragraph with each new speaker.
~Egaro
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AlterBlade
Hero of Time
Hero of Time
AlterBlade


Posts : 16517
Registration date : 2008-02-03

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PostSubject: Re: The Legendary Dragon   The Legendary Dragon EmptyMay 9th 2008, 11:44 am

The current version isn't bad.

7/10
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DK-Y2Y
Super-Human
Super-Human
DK-Y2Y


Posts : 3137
Registration date : 2008-02-01

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PostSubject: Re: The Legendary Dragon   The Legendary Dragon EmptyMay 9th 2008, 11:54 am

Not bad,the story is pretty good
8/10
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